Monday, August 25, 2014

In Praise of Smaller Junk by Simon Sheppard

Sure, we all know what’s supposed to turn us on: buff, gorgeous young guys with cocks like tree-trunks jutting manfully out below defoliated six-packs.

But what if that doesn’t get us instantly hard? What if we prefer, say, small, even tiny, dicks? If a guy doesn’t buy into the notion that bigger is better, does that make him a little-dick fetishist? After all, classical statues were small-hung, because the ancient Romans thought that big cocks were ugly. I know that skillions of you would disagree, but what, you think you’re smarter than Caesar?

And how about the probably-thornier issue of chubby chasers and bear fanciers? In a world of ever-expanding waistlines, is it cool to eroticize overweight? Confesses one man who likes his buddies to have considerable meat on their bones, “I’m always watching my own weight, so it feels a little weird to get a hard-on from stroking a 40-inch-waist. Am I enabling a boyfriend’s unhealthy habits, or do I just think too much? And hey, wouldn’t you rather that someone have a big butt than anorexia?”

The specifics of sexual attraction are a complex mystery, possible factors ranging from childhood experiences to images in the media. As an older guy grateful for whatever below-the-waist attention comes my way, I’m not about to tell some youngish fellow with a stiffy, “You’re attracted to me? You must have father issues!” Because, well, I’m not that stupid.

And because being someone’s “mercy fuck” can feel pretty effing icky.

Now, power always enters into sexuality—and not just the sort that uses handcuffs and whips. One partner is stronger, more successful, or more conventionally handsome; it’s just a fact of life. My partner’s youth gives him power if I let it. My having a bigger dick than him, ditto.

Most of us have, by definition, more or less average looks. So chasing after undeniable hotties is a mixed bag. If you score, it’s an achievement. If not, it’s a rejection.  Better, perhaps, to chase after equals, or even to make a less attractive guy your mercy fuck, which can make you feel both empowered and generous. (And lest you think the term “mercy fuck” is insulting, keep in mind it contains two of the loveliest words in the English language.)

It’s a rather inconvenient fact of life is that most of us, in one way or another, feel unworthy. And our judgmental culture—one that holds up standards of appearance that many of us find impossible to live up to—doesn’t help matters. So the existence of unconventional sexual tastes is, in that sense, a Very Good Thing. And a widespread thing: anyone who’s spent time trolling in the online vineyards of sex ads will note that just about every kind of guy, from unwashed wayward waifs to fellows with oversized ears, is sexy to somebody.

There are tumblrs devoted to every shape and size of male, websites that celebrate the eroticism of grandpas, hippies, skinny nerds, big ole bears, and the extravagantly tattooed. A friend of mine has a thing for guys with zits, and who am I to say he’s wrong?

This specialization is not without its downside. If you have a curved cock and answer an ad in search of that, you might wonder, as your admirer worships you, “Does this fellow see anything in me beyond my basket?” (Or you might just put all that aside, thank your good fortune, and growl, “That’s it! Suck that thing.”)

Things get even gnarlier when sexual desire enters the minefield of race, from “No Asians, please” to “I’m looking for big black dicks.” But the hard fact is that sexual attraction, even between long-term partners, usually involves objectification of some sort, even if it’s just “I love the shape of your ears.” And we are, for whatever tangled reasons, attracted to whom we’re attracted to. As long as we don’t confuse what happens in bed with our dealings with the world at large, there’s nothing wrong with our taste in men, be it ever so arcane.

And play nice. If someone you find unattractive comes on to you, don’t treat him rudely. His wanting you is not an insult. Conversely, don’t try to persuade someone that he should find you hot. Take “no” for an answer and move on.

Neither should you treat some co-workers better just because you’d like to fuck them. It’s simply good manners, right? It’s the kind of advice you mother would have given you…if your mom had been a slut. (Which we all know she wasn’t, so relax.)

In the best of all possible worlds, we’d desire everyone for who they were, kumbaya, and it’s a small world after all. We wouldn’t confuse “hung like a horse” with “masculine,” nor masculine” with “hot.” It’s what’s on the inside that really counts, and we’re not talking dildos here. And we wouldn’t base our sense of worth on whom we fucked, or even who loved us. But the human ego is a strange beast, and when dicks are hard, it gets even stranger.

Yeah, I like men with small, even tiny cocks. I’m not sure what that means (though I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have fuck-all to do with Michelangelo’s David and his itty-bitty marble pee-pee). But who, in the final analysis, cares what the fuck it’s about, anyway? Are you in search of that ten-incher, mythic as a fleshy unicorn? By all means, keep questing. As for me, you less endowed dudes can bring those pretty little things over here. As long as my having some guy’s undersized dick in my mouth makes us both happy, then it is a small world. After all.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Man on Man: The Best of Simon Sheppard, The Dirty Boys' Club, Sex Parties 101 and Jockboys. Visit him at, and email him at

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